Today is a day where i call it the D-day.
Days for decisions, days for reminiscing the back and look at the past. A day where i really sit down and think through my thoughts deeply.
I havent had one of these days in a long time. I still recall the last time was the day my friendship with this girl i used to befriended for almost 8 years ended. Funny thing is, last night i actually dreamt about her. We were talking and laughing by the beach, with the drinks on our hands and just talk. We used to talk about that. Ironic isnt it?
So today, a few things came into my mind.
1.What is my purpose in this lifetime? What do i wanna really achieve? Have i been doing the right thing, helping myself achieve what i want in life?
The answer is, not all the time. I've always wanted to be a successful woman who need not depend on a man. I used to dream of having my own shopping mall, called it the M Couture.HAHA i knoww it's lame but cant blame a girl for dreaming right? And the truth is, i havent been myself. Not just lately but almost my whole life, i've been fooling around and no progress. I lost my goal and my fire, my passion in life. And studying what im doing now, i need to do be twice as hard working as other people because of my lack of knowledge. I feel like i have the need to be extra hardworking around people. I dont want to be last one standing there again.
I won't make any promises but you will definitely see a changed me.
2. Emotionally, am i okay?
The answer is, it depends. With the recent breakup with my ex of two years and the fell apart friendship, i've become a different person. I admit that in some ways, i've changed. College has changed me. And in a state where i am in now, i know very well i cant do it alone because i haven't been doing the right thing.
This song has been on replay on my lappie for 4 days. It really speaks my soul.
What have I done
I wish I could run away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is, on my shoulders
What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh how many times will it take for me
To get it right
To get it right
Can I start again
With my faith shaken,
Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay
And face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser, I'll get through this
What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh how many times will it take for me
To get it right
Rachel:
So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth
That sometimes life isn't fair
I'll send out a wish and I'll send out a prayer
And finally someone will see
How much I care
What can you do when your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh how many times will it take
To get it right
To get it right
What i need now are people who love me and willing to go through all these shit with me till im okay. Bare in mind, this is not too much to ask from a true friend because that's what friends do. Obviously, not everyone can do that. There's no such generosity in life. There are certain people that comes into your life for the good time and they leave you by yourself when you're in trouble. If i were you, I would tell each one them to f off from my life. Remember this, if they cant handle you at your worst, then they definitely don't deserve you at your best.
Still God has been kind to me, giving me all the love and support i need now.
Here, i wanna say thank you to a few people. These people have been the best support and went through with me every step of the way.
Daniel, Chris, Lily, Victor and Adrienne!
Know that i would do the same for you guys. *hugs!*
I'm having a week off from college and that's just what i need. You can bet that i will make the most of this holiday period. I have got so much things to do in my mind. Maybe i'll post every other day. :) *fingers crossed*
Before i end this post, please know that this post does not point to anyone indirectly. It's just the way i feel and im expressing it with my own rightful freedom. If you feel like its troubling you, feel free to just exit the window.
And for this girl that i mention above, i don't know if you still read my blog but if you somehow are, listen to Get It Right by Lea Michelle. You take care. I hope you're happy just the way you are now. I wish you all the best in your life. Go reach for the dream that you want, be the fashion designer that you've always wanted. :)
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