The Last Straw

All things happen for a reason. The reasons maybe absurd and you can't possibly accept it but there is a reason. That's the way it is. I used to think that life for me was well off and i was practically covered since birth whether it's the clothes i wear or the school i go, the food i eat and everything else. But as i grew older, I realized that the reason behind all this so-called luxurious gifts my parents give me, they work day and night and not a single complain. No words. No matter how tired the day is, they'd come home with a smile on the face and made sure we spent quality time as a family. 

However all good things come to the end. 

And safe to say after tonight's incident, I don't presume to look at things the same way anymore. I realized no matter how much I try to change for the better, it's never enough. And no matter how many times I'd voice up my opinion and my thoughts, I stand corrected. Again. Again. Again. Again. 

Lyrics from *Beautiful Disaster by Jon Mclaughlin*

She prays one day she'll find someone to need her

She swears that there's no difference between the lies and compliments

It's all the same if everybody leaves her. 

I could use a shoulder but then again, i can't help but wondering how long can this shoulder be around for me. When i took the first kick, the only thing that was going through my head was how could possibly someone do that to another. Especially when its family. 

My chest hurts, the outer layer of my skin may be covered with bruises and it'll probably take a couple of months to go away but the cut, the scar left in me and my memories, it'll stay forever. 

But I wont give up. At least, not yet because I know that I did nothing wrong and I still have faith in myself. I won't break this easy. Not another time. And this is a promise I make to myself. The next time this happens again, im walking out. And no turning back. 

For now, I shall heal within the darkness in my room with the music on my Ipod. I shall creep back into my own little solitude world where no one can find me, where I can be myself and have a little taste of sanity. Even if it's just a little. 

People often say, 

And you start to wonder

And you dream of having that person to share this dream with 

But then it falls apart because it's the wrong guy, and over and over again, you get your heart broken.

And over and over again. 

You should stop wasting your time on people who don't love you. 

Instead, learn to love yourself. 

Because only when you learn to love yourself, you'll also learn to love someone else and let someone else loves you back. 

And then this time, it would be right. Because I believe that there's always someone out there for everyone. 

You just gotta be patient and hold on to your values and be reminded of how beautiful each day is. 

Change

What is Change? 


Change comes in many different ways. Often in ways that you could never imagine, when you least expects it or when you finally decided that it's time to move on. And for some, it's a chance to escape from whatever it is that one would wanna run away from. 


Just like any other day, I woke up and clean myself up. I washed my face and as I look in the mirror, this strange feeling came upon me. I can't put my finger to what it was but this feeling was very overwhelming. I came downstairs and sat on the couch. Looked out the garden and the sun was shining bright, the sound of the trees whispering to each other as the wind slowly caresses against the leaves. 


A lot has happened in the year of 2011. It's a little late to reminisce since February is almost coming to and end. Most people do their reminiscing on New Years Eve. The odd thing is I dont remember everything in detail, I don't have a vivid memory of every single event but yes, change has taken it's place. 


I messed up. Big time. My finals were utter disappointment and I dont know who is more despair, my parents or myself. Friends often tell me that it is not too late and I still can make a difference. However, sometimes you just can't help shake the feeling of losing hope and I asked myself a million times if I could do it. 


The night before my resits I had a hard time trying to go to sleep, suffering from the anxiety of not being able to do those papers and failing. A friend of mine told me that " leave the stress for tomorrow and now have a good night and let rest take its course. " Another cheerful sayang of mine told me that " It's not that Nothing is Impossible but Everything is Possible. " Now i know my results are not for another week and to be truthful, I am a little nervous but I just wanna say thank you to those who have been there day and night, supporting me and being my pillar of strength when everything seems to be falling apart. I definitely couldn't have done it alone without you and if by any chance you ever need a favour, I'll be gladly to help if you'll have me. :) 


1. This holiday break from uni has definitely been long. Now, if I had more things to do, time would probably pass a little faster and I would eventually complain bout not having enough. But being apart from uni gives me the opportunity to spend quality time. Not just my family but with myself. I've had a lot of time to think about what I want and what to do in life and I wished I had this kinda time back in the years. Recently, I've doubted my decision on picking this major because I don't see myself down the road in twenty years doing what I am currently studying. But then, it's a little too late to turn my back on it and I wont do that of course. And there's a saying, " If you're gonna be stuck with it, might as well make the most out of it " 


*Change
You can bet on this that I will be working both my arse off the coming semester. It'll be to prove myself for all the times that I've failed to do so and also to my parents, my constant source of hope and love. To think that after raising me for twenty years, a few grades on a piece of paper isn't much to ask from their ungrateful daughter. I'm not sure how much is it I can do but I promise a difference. God has given me this 2nd chance to do it once again and if I blew this up, I might as well put a shotgun over my head and pull the trigger myself. 


2. Anyone who knows me in person knows that im a sucker for love. I enjoy finding the right guy and falling for them. But we all know it always ends with a broken heart apart and trust me it's not enjoyable at all. Recently, I finally found a guy whom I think may be the best thing that's gonna ever happen to me in my entire life but I let it go. Most people said it was the stupidest thing to do but I dont think its right to keep a relationship going when it's started off with a foundation of lies and hoping it would get better. I don't know if I ever gonna regret my decision, maybe I will but at least I know, I did what I did for the right reason. Like I said, if you known the real me, I'd probably fall right in and say yes to him without having to think but it's not what I want I want. What I really want is what i need. 


*Change 
The change has already taken place. And for the first time I wont be chasing for love but to wait for it and hopefully this time, the right guy comes along and sweep me off my feet the right way. Correction. sweep me off my feet. Period. * We all want love to come along and yet we set all this restrictions as to how it should come * If I'm gonna keep doing that, love will never come my way and it would never come yours. 

nights where i can't sleep.

Kuching #2

Well the best friend knows me well and because she does, we went back to the beach again. And this was my third time in a week. Honestly, I never got bored of it and i dont think I'll ever because the beach is just amazing and especially if you have such good company to go with. 

We didn't get the same room like the first night but however, it will still great and the weather was amazing.

We decided to drive back to the city for dinner and this time we have Ray Ray with us. Now I gotta say, he is an excellent driver :) Just thought you should know. And throughout my journey here, we've almost ran over animals almost every time. You name it, lizards, cats, and at one point i thought snakes.

Ray ray :) 

And finally for the third time over, I got to see the sunset and it was beautiful. And the funny thing was, on our way to dinner we were driving and driving and the road just never seem to end. 

The people i miss the most! 

After driving back to the city, Mark picked us up at night for dinner and B-gurl and Charisma tagged along. 

I definitely miss the conversations we had girls. *it'll be our little secret* 

Another bugger that I love. Tyrant. :) 

Food that I love!

Best porridge ever and if I could, I'd have two bowls. :) Opens only after 11pm at night. 

And the beers over there are so cheap! :) 

Another place I went to dine, The Junk. 

If i had to use one word to describe it, it would be PRAWNS! 

 Sapphire's gonna kill me for this picture but I love it so much I have to post it. Because it's the only picture with the prawns. 

 :) 

Mark brought  me for Rojak. :) 

 And then later on we went to Bing's, a local coffee shop that resembles Starbucks. 

And crystal ordered Beef Lasagna. 

Kueh Chap. :) 

 Kolok Mee

Sarawak Laksa. 

On my way to the airport. :) 

The both of us showing off our bruises from the Kayaking.

I miss it over there and it's been exactly a week since i got back. 

And i shall return over at July with my parents and brother this time. :) 

I just wanna thank my best friend and her family for showing me such a great time over Kuching. And also to the friends I have met, thank you so much for making my trip a wonderful and memorable one.