rollercoaster.

we were close friends also lovers
did everything for one another
now you're gone and im lost without you here now
but i know i gotta live and make it someone


im confused. i hate grey. why can't things just be black or white. shades of grey are confusing and annoying. regardless of decisions, perspectives, answers, questions and other shit. there's always this level of confusion that you have to either guess or estimate.

friends keep telling me that i dont trust myself and i need to be more confident in what i believe. but somehow i've lost it. im beginning to wonder if i still have a mind of my own. lately, i've been leeching to almost any opportunity i have to be around my friends because they're the source of my strength. it's not healthy. i know i know. and when shit happens, you're the one that's screwed. yes i know i know.

and i keep telling myself that, but what can you do. when desperate moment comes desperate measures and you do whatever it takes to survive.

down bottom low i went today and hopefully i get back up tomorrow.

:)

Sometimes I wonder would it be a lot easier if I just left. You know, like go to somewhere else, where no one knows who you are or anything bout you and you can start over. Some people call it running away from reality, I like to believe that it's everybody ticket to escape and getaway. Everybody deserves a break at one point. And I truly believe that no one should feel lonely or not loved.

As much as I hate to believe it and I still find it hard to think it's true, I am really loved. Not just from the family, but my friends and rather people whom I think it's more " family " than the actual one.

From left : Sash, myself and C.

Sash, she is so adorable and every day she would be my companion at 7.15 am in campus. Whoever who got there first shall wait for the other one in Starbucks and most of the time, it would be me seeing i get to the institution at 6.45 am everyday. I enjoy her company more than ever and all the conversations we've had about boys and love and girl stuffs, i'll miss them and it sucks to know that I will only see you after 4 months after.

From left : Eda, me and C. 

From top left : Parvind, Izzy and Kimmy
From low left : Matthew, C and me.

Parvind. 

I love this guy here. :) 

He's never complain or rant about my annoying personality and still loves me just the way i am. Loves him even more when I know that he could always go home early and sleep the tiredness off but choose to take the train with me and endure the long awaiting hours. He always have my back and I like him to know that I feel the same way too. Best Buds. :D

Kimmy. 

I am supposedly his youngest wife among the four that he has sharing it with Dudu and Astari. 

lollie. 

Hopefully the next time I see him would be during January. :) 

Azee, my sweetheart. 

The picture on the right is blurry but I just had to put it because I want to remember last night just like that. 

He has always had my back and took care of me like a brother should. I still remember I was really drunk one night and something happened which shall not be mentioned and he came for me and took good care of me. Twice. ( I am not proud of it but yea. ) 

He's always smiling and that makes everybody's day. Always look out for me and constantly reminding me how I should be more lady like. Which is kinda true, I do act like a little tomboy being immature and loud and noisy. 

Kseniya <3 

Met her at a barbecue/pool party that Heather took me to before MOS and have been friends ever since. :) Sadly I dont have a picture with Kate and Julia. I miss the three of you so much and I cant wait for January when you come back. Hopefully, I'll be around long enough to spend the time that we have planned for ages. 

Best friend gets the last bit.
Save the best for the last. :D

Crystal Wong Zin.

I still can't believe I found you at Bubba Gump during Chang's birthday. I don't need to say much cause we both have a good understanding bout each other. Despite our differences in many many ways we still manage to work it out and that proves a lot of things and people wrong. You have definitely influenced me in  some ways and I think the hippy in you is rubbing on me.

I hope you have a great time with ure family at Penang tomorrow. And i shall try to have fun with mine. Looking forward to February when we might work together and hopefully move in to the apartment. :D

From left: Erik, Indra and Allan.

From left: Wi Tong and Chang Chang 

From left: Veronica ( Sis ) Rachel and Me. 

Night out to MOS during Halloween Night

Sayam.<3 

Azee, Izzy and Me. 

Last night at Subang Avenue. :D 

My Janu. :) 

Sajjad at T.D.H. 

Ali. :)

Half an hour later* 

Just got of the phone with C and she sounds like she is having fun over at Ipoh with her family. :) This is a good thing. At least one of us is having fun. Made plans and if everything is good, the girls and I are gonna meet up on Monday at Midvalley hopefully before everyone flies off. 

I know this is a pretty long winded post but bare with me. I am talkative and i always have a lot to say. :P 

Until the next time, 

Have a great holiday everyone! 

little things

Holiday is here! :) 

And now that I have so much time on my hands, I don't even know how to spend it. Before this, me and my girls would always complain and hoping this holiday would come faster. 

Went out with C for some drinking session and lunch at The Apartment. Which then ended into a massive camwhoring session and later on, hungover.

Getting ready for Starbuck's Christmas Party at Lakeside Campus last friday. 

 This was a very weird shot. Have no idea where this dude came out from but i think he saw us taking pictures and he wanted one. Knowing C, she would like to please the man's wish this christmas.

We left Starbucks for Tom Dick And Harry. 

Sajjad Madadi. 

He doesn't know how to take pictures. 

Saturday. - Getting ready for Tiesto at Sepang F1 Circuit! 

This picture wasn't taken by me but i love the person who took it. :) 

Definitely been the best weekend for me. I shall remember this night for the rest of my life. 

dream on

I just came across this from a friend of mine's and perfectly describes how i've been feeling for the last couple of weeks. Had a couple of breakdowns here and there but so far, i'm still standing which is a good thing.

They say,

Experience May Be A Brutal Teacher But You Will Learn. 

The truth is ugly. And no, things don't always go your way but instead of just sulking and feeling pathetic and depressed about it, you can choose to do something. No one can actually make you feel better if you yourself don't allow it. At the very least, treat yourself a little better because you deserve it. You deserve the best you can give. That's what i've been living on for the past couple of weeks. I feed myself with this theory that I never thought i'd buy into but it's starting to stick into my bones. 

people i call family, place i call home.

My pillar of strengths. 

On a tuesday morning.

Am supposed to be studying but here I am saying this..


I have found almost everything ever written about love to be true

Shakespeare said, " Journeys end in lovers meeting. " What an extraordinary thought.

Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that but I'm more than willing to believe that Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I'm constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said, " Love is blind. " Now that is something I know to be true. For some, quite inexplicably love fades. For others, love is simply lost. But then of course, love can also be found, even if it just for the night. And then there is another kind of love. The cruelest kind, the one that almost kills its victim. It's called unrequited love of that, I am an expert. Most love stories are about people falling in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories? Those of us who fall in love alone. We are the victims of the one-sided affairs. We are the cursed of the loved one. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space.

The Holiday. 

And here i am. Being in love alone gives me the worst days of my life. The worst Christmases and birthdays.
Every day that I live is being brought in with tears and aspirins.

Sometimes, I wish things were simpler, less complicated. You get to know the guy, and you go out watch a movie, eat some dinner and you fall in love. Enjoys each others company, go over to each other's place, snuggle together and watch movies on the couch.
You'd rather stay in cooking each other breakfast and dinner than going out to 5 stars restaurants. Lastly, you go to bed with the same person you wake up to every morning.

Life isn't made easy. Saw this picture on my girl's blog and it says..

L.I.F.E. = Life isn't fucking easy.

It is true. But then again, the most important thing is that you live the life you want and not let life past you through and walk you over. Same goes to a guy. If a man's capable of cheating and have another girl on the line, you'd know better to chuck him off instantly instead of holding on to him.

College life isn't easy but it's the best part of our lives. It's time to have fun and embrace the world, making friends and do what you want. I know that my studies are important but at the same time, you only have one life to live and if you're gonna just throw everything away and waste it like this, you might as well not live ever.

Someone asked me if I was in love or by any chance, have feelings for any guy right now. The truth is, I think I am in love with the idea of being in love and really not so much of the guy. Until i meet the right guy, this stuff's just aint working on me. And for once, I shall wait patiently.

I shall wait patiently for him to come into my life.

Yours truly,
Mandy.

it's true. things have to go both ways and for things to work, both hands have to clap. 

Wondering when will the real thing come along and sweep me off my feet.  

Lucky Bastard. 

Exactly my point, for those who aren't real and doing any good in my life, get out of my life and fuck up some other people's life. 

Fuck Off.

Semester break starts today for me and the rest of my IBM mates until finals comes for us 1 week from now.

Friends.

They come and go. Some stayed and the others wandered off. Over the years, I've learnt that it is no longer how long have you've been friends but rather how long more can you maintain the relationship. What can you do and how you should do it.

Truth be told, I am imperfect. I have my own flaws and to name a few, i have a really bad temper and bipolar. One minute before I can be excited bout one thing but the next minute, I can get really sick about it. And most of all, I dont expect everyone to understand me or what is it that do for shits. But i believe that if you can't see me at my worst, then you certainly don't deserve me at my best.

I love everything I have now. My family, my friends and what i am now. The only thing lacking in my life right now is the determination I used to have for my studies. Heck, not even sure if i ever did have any.

Crystal.
It's been 3 months since the first day I met her at Bubba Gump during Chang's birthday. Like any other friendship, there's bound to have disagreements and we do fight sometimes but that doesn't mean our friendship isn't strong.

From left : Heather, Ilham, Myself and Crystal.

Joyi. 

Although we don't see each other from time to time, we remain as bestfriends after all this year. :) Distance wouldn't change a thing for us. She knows me better than any of my friends and still loves me for who i am. 

I know that you can't control what other people have to say about you but seriously, if you have a problem with me or my friends, come and say it to our face and not behind our backs cause that just showing how shallow and unworthy of a person you are. 

As for those who pretends and hang around with us like friends and behind our backs, talking shit about us to the others, i know who you are and i ain't gonna do anything to you, neither will i try to confront you. Just fuck off from my life. Fyi, i hate drama. So, if you're not done growing up yet, by all means go fuck yourself with someone else ur age.